Party in the USA or…

As many of you are no doubt already aware, i spent Hallowe’en weekend in seattle with jo-ann and trevor. The trip started off with a somewhat ill-fated trip to Tan Popo for all-you-can-eat sushi. The sushi and assorted Japanese foods were fantastic, my ill-fated remark refers rather to Trevor’s stomach and his need to share it’s relative fullness for the rest of the night via assorted grunts and groans which Jo-ann and I only put up with because we were both well-sauced by this point.

The next morning it was up and out (at least in theory) on our way to Seattle. Trevor and Jo-ann had rented a fantastic grey Prius for our little road trip south of the border and somewhat predictably I now want one – in all fairness so does Jo-ann. Anyway, the road trip was lovely and we soon arrived at the home of Cale and Sacha. Needless to say, drinking ensued. That night we were off to Showbox SoDo – which was a wicked venue, like a big old warehouse, making me feel very much like i was Kyra Sedgewick in the movie ‘Singles’ – to see The Airborne Toxic Event who were brilliant. We did shots of tequila and drank supercans of PBR all night and it was amazing. (BTW, my favourite song by The Airborne Toxic Event is Sometime Around Midnight – click to see the video)

The next day was largely a hangover day and we sort of hung around the house acclimatising to the surprising warmth of Seattle. Later Trevor and I ventured out to the supermarket unsupervised which proved somewhat disastrous as it was not unlike two Id’s who’d left their Ego at home. We came back with over $100 worth of beer, chips, and pop, and beer only costs (!) $10 a case in the states. Any man who can pass a bag of Lay’s Limon or a six-pack of Land Shark Lager is a stronger man than I.

That night we stayed in and watched some terrible hallowe’en fare. The best of the three movies we watched was called ‘Shrooms’ and it was about some supposed friends who flew from America to Ireland on holiday to take mushrooms. I say supposed friends because very early into the film we found ourselves wondering why people who hated eachother as much as this bunch did would waste a thousand-ish dollars flying across the atlantic to spend a holiday together. Furthermore, are there no drugs in America? Who flies to Ireland to take mushrooms? Is this some sort of trend I don’t know about? Is this what all the kids are doing these days? Needless to say all but one of the “friends” ended up dead and the killer, after getting away with all the murders, escaped, for some reason, into the forest. It actually wasn’t a terrible movie apart from these and maybe a few more plot holes. We also watched ‘Stan Helsing’ which was just plain fucked up.

The next day it was time for some sightseeing in downtown Seattle starting with Pike Place Market. We stopped in for a Starbucks, Jo-ann had a thing for the fishermen, and Trevor, for some reason, drank a Hangtown Mary which included a raw oyster dangling nausea-inducingly from a cocktail pick. Later, despite protest from Jo-ann, we ascended the Space Needle which was actually properly amazing. It’s not right in the downtown core so you have a view of that, Puget Sound, and the whole surrounding area. Also, you can walk outside right the way around which is really cool; we had a drink up there and all loved it.

Later, we all kitted up and proceeded to get our drink on. After some initial indecision Sacha decided on Dorothy over Lederhosen, Cale topped his outfit up with a mustache, and I affixed my Cher wig and slipped into my poncho. Upon leaving the house Trevor was already quite drunk, rather foreshadowing the events that later transpired, but at this point each of us were blissfully unaware of anyone’s drunkenness but our own.

After arriving at Showbox at the Market – again, amazing – we got stamps on our wrists and proceeded to enjoy the party-time sounds of Seattle’s very own Cool-Ade. It was a brilliant party and then all of a sudden Cale came up to the rest of us and said that Trevor had been kicked out for being too drunk. After some initial disappointment Cale hatched the rather masterful plan of re-dressing Trevor in some extra bits and pieces, including my poncho and wig (I was also wearing a fantastic psychedelic shirt). So Cale painstakingly removes the Fred Flintstone costume from the now balance-challenged Trevor and replaces it with the wig and poncho. Only after he is fully re-dressed does Trevor point out the big black X that is drawn over the entry stamp on his wrist, precluding him from returning at all.

After a fall in the parking lot and the poncho moving again from Trevor, back to me, and then to Sacha, we’re now on our way home and out of downtown Seattle having only arrived an hour previous. All is going swimmingly again until we’re speeding down the freeway and Trevor decides to open his door to vomit. Only we’re going 65 MPH. And he’s not wearing his seatbelt. So a bit of shitstorm unleashes in the car and Jo-ann and I are trying to hold onto Trevor as his relieves his turbulent stomach onto the busy road (and a little bit onto the car door).

Now, just as we’re trying to find our way back onto the freeway after diverging in order to let Trevor finish up what do we see but A LANDSHARK BILLBOARD! Realizing that this is indeed a stupendous moment Sacha pulls the car to a hault and Cale and I dance a jig beneath it as Jo-ann tries capture the moment on film rather unsuccessfully.

Upon arriving home Trevor headed straight for bed and despite thinking it was a good idea to drug him awake – we failed – the night died down after that. Needless to say Trevor woke up with the mater and pater of all hangovers and we hit the road home.

En route we stopped to get Jack In The Box which was BRILLIANT, Jo-ann decided she needed to try every flavour of vitamin water, and Trevor usurped a coat that I liked at the outlet mall for his own – coatstealer. Finally, the next day we had lunch at the Black Frog before Jo-ann and Trevor had to head back to their real lives in the Big Onion. It was a fabulous trip.

A few things I learned:
1. Trevor’s new nickname is Captain Obvious as he has an uncanny ability for vocalising the obvious.
2. Showbox is fantastic. Go there if you’re in Seattle.
3. Ditto, the Space Needle, it’s surprisingly good.
4. Avoid Trinity night club at all costs. It was aweful and an event transpired as confusing as it was angering.
5. I am quite good at the playing the drums in Rock Band.
6. Do not show Trevor a coat you like at an outlet mall.
7. Lay’s Limon are amazing. (Why do we not have them in Canada?)
8. Jo-ann and I are quite good at swaying a la Sonny and Cher, or at least we seemed to be after a few drinks.
9. Bluto may be the best name ever in the history of horror films.
10. Do not go to Ireland to take shrooms.

you and me could write a bad romance

I was talking to my good friend Jo-ann last night about the amazing-ness that is Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” video – and let’s be honest here, your life can now be separated into two distinct eras: pre-bad romance and post-bad romance, the latter being the clear winner every time.

Anyway, we were discussing the sleeping pods from which the sleeping be-spiky headed Gaga emerges at the beginning of the narrative segment. Specifically we were discussing how much we wanted each wanted one, at which trevor was sniggering in the background.

You see the problem with real life is that it’s actually nothing like a music video. In real life Jo-ann would get stuck in the sleeping pod (probably her bed-hair if i’m being honest) and i would try to help but become confounded trying to maneuver from within a gyroscope that I, for some reason, thought was a good idea.

Trevor would be sniggering in the corner until he realized that, putting on the sparkly dress and shoes from the middle 8 bit of the video was huge mistake unless he intends on scuttling to our rescue, which is a little more than somewhat unlikely.

Despite being stuck in a sleeping pod Jo-ann would now be yelling “I’M A FREE BITCH, BABY!” while I shouted “I DON’T WANNA BE FRIENDS” with Trevor piping in: “RA RA AH AH AH RO MA RO MA MA GA GA OOH LA LA!”

pop JUSTICE!

I’ve been working on a post about my fantastic trip to seattle last week but i’m not quite done editing the pictures yet and i have to go to bed so i’m just posting a quick update to tide you huddled masses over for another day.

Above I’ve attached the new Lady Gaga video. I haven’t always been the biggest fan of gaga but really, you can’t go wrong with this. Sex slavery, sleeper pods, crazy eyes in a bath tub, AMAZING! Also, I think my main annoyance with Gaga may have been the general bubble around her – the “what will Gaga do next” speculation is, i think, what i find most irritating. No matter, this video is a significant pop music win and i’m currently obsessed.

A quick aside before I leave you, dear readers, for today. Have you all been reading popjustice? I know it’s not always everyone’s cup of tea but today was a bang up day for the world’s leading popnosticator. First, and most significantly, came the startling warning that by April 30, 2265, every man woman and child in Great Britain WILL BE A SUGABABE! This is top-notch investigative journalism my friends and I suggest you read it.

Also on popjustice today was a brilliant review of the Lady Gaga video posted at the top. If I were you, I would watch the video and then hop on over and read the pitch perfect post titled Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ video: it’s above average as videos go.

Good times.

how potato chips saved my life

So I’m back from a fabulous Hallowe’ekend in Seattle but more about that tomorrow as I had a rather harrowing dream experience thismorning that resulted in disastrous morning tears.

I don’t remember exactly how this dream began, but what I do know is that I died and was a ghost. I was in a room with a bunch of people that I know, friends and family – some composites. Anyway, I’m dead and I’m wandering around the room and people can’t see me but I realise that some people can feel my touch. So I hold up someone’s arm and write my name down the inside of their forearm (this was Jo-ann, I think). So now she realizes that I’m there and obviously we’re crying and then eventually I somehow end up in a diner booth with my parents. I’m holding my Mum, and my Dad’s on the other side of her and we’re all just crying because we know that at some point I’ll have to go, unable to stay in limbo as a ghost.

It’s at this point that I wake up and realize:
a. that I’m not dead; but
b. that I am crying.

It was a terrible morning and one from which I only recovered because:
a. it was 11am and I’d had a fabulous sleep; and
b. that owing to the time it was perfectly acceptable to jump right into lunch, skipping breakfast, and thereby enabling the inclusion of the fantastic lays limon chips i had purchased south of the border.

Seriously, it was a very strange dream that I am continuing to dissect but those are some AMAZING potato chips.

apropos of my childhood

lonnie gordon’s “happenin all over again” is a classic. FACT! not only is it an early 90s / late 80s dance-pop masterpiece it also brings me back to sitting in the backseat of my parents car when i was 7 or 8 years old, singing along all the way. at the time my dad had bought “the right stuff 2: nothin but a house party” which quickly jumped into my top three favourite tapes of my parents. the other two were the eurythmics greatest hits and pet shop boys, actually.

one wonders at this precipitous point in life if my parents were, in fact, trying to make me gay (if so, significant parenting win). anyway, the right stuff 2 was a double tape set (!) and had some killer songs on it also including black box’s seminal “ride on time” which is AMAZING! here’s black box performing at a 1989 chart show in celebration of hitting number one.

listening to “been around the world” (attached below) at the time i remember thinking that lisa stansfield was the height of cool, what with her curled sideburns and all. i also remember dancing my gay ass off at a christmas party in a vain attempt to win the 7″ single. (watching it just now made me think she looks exactly like isabella rossellini)

oh, and some girl ended up taking the dance competition.

bitch.

judgement

i was at work the other day and a woman came in, saw the above michael buble album (crazy love) at our fabulous point of sale display and was all “oh my god! you have the new michael buble album! have you heard it? i love him!” externally i rather politely replied, “oh yeah, it’s new, i haven’t heard it yet,” but in my mind i was screaming at the women: “MICHAEL BUBLE!? are you fucking kidding me? of course i haven’t heard it because i don’t want to die choking on my own vomit or staining my shirt as my ears drip blood down my shoulder!” aside from resurrecting my recently dormant hatred for michael buble – he’s absolute shit, beyond cheese, ruins CLASSIC songs (feeling good, save the last dance), and is apparently a douche to boot – it also got me thinking of the disconnect between what is coming out of my mouth and what is going on in my brain.

i am often serving people at the counter and wondering to myself why they thought they could pull off mixing patterns or what causes them to lash out at harmless baristas for minor mistakes or a lack of splash sticks. all too often i’m thinking that someone should just fuck right off while maintaining the cool and poised air for which – i assume – i have come to be known. this got me imagining the outcome if random strangers could hear what i was thinking about them at any given moment. this would not be a good thing.

strangely enough – or not, as my heart is black as night – this didn’t get me thinking that i should stop thinking bitchily but rather that i should steer clear of situations in which my thoughts might somehow – via some sci fi conceit or experimental drug – come spilling out of my mind for all and sundry to hear. i think we can all agree that this is probably for the best.

ugh, MICHAEL FUCKING BUBLE!? seriously…

to the library, to the left, and to dragonette: a near perfect day.

so yesterday was an amazing day. i’m going to try and distil its amazingness into a blog post here but i doubt that i can fit that much amazing into one blog post being perfectly honest. although in fairness yesterday morning i probably would’ve doubted that one day could contain the amount of amazingness that yesterday did indeed contain.

first of all i got up and decided that a haircut was in order. i’d previously had my haircut at a place on denman but i wasn’t particularly thrilled with the results so in my ongoing search for a new barber i ventured to the barber shop on burrard street. i went in and sat down waiting for the next available barber among the 5 or so older gentleman already tending to customers. but when it came my turn to sit at the barber chair a cute young man appeared as if from nowhere to tend to my every need. then he was irish and kept responding to everything i said with “grand.” and i looked amazing. and he seemed super-appreciative of a $2 tip. in short, BEST HAIRCUT EVER. grand.

so now i’m on my way to the library and it’s raining so i’m wandering up seymour ‘neath my mini rainbow umbrella and what do i see coming towards me but a woman holding a giant rainbow umbrella. so rainbow umbrella lady and i share a brief but decidedly noteworthy moment and both smile and giggle at our matching manner of wet weather protection. also grand.

the library was amazing, too. mainly just because i love being at the library. the central branch of the vancouver public library is the kind of building that is a pleasure to visit. it’s got this huge indoor courtyard and i love it. also, when i departed the library the heavens had parted and it was suddenly sunny and clear outside which allowed me to enjoy my hot dog al fresco after my subsequent trip to the amazing downtown costco. (it’s underground right downtown!)

after my delicious hot dog i headed home only to find my upstairs neighbours returning from the liquor store, so obviously – despite the fact that it was only 4pm – it was time to start drinking. at this point fallon and i headed upstairs to get down to the business of drinking at jon and val’s apartment. while there we also decide to order pizza and create what can only be described as a near perfect pizza combination from megabite. steak, bacon and mushroom. it was literally grand. delicious.

so after a few hours of drinking fallon and i headed to the dragonette concert which was held at a place called venue, which despite serving overpriced drinks – not that surprising in fairness, – was amazing. i decided that before the show kicked off i needed to get in a quick slash and slipped off to the men’s room to do just that. so there are two others guys at the urinals and now we’re spaced evenly across six urinals, with me at the far left, with one lady – for some reason? – in stall at the end.

anyway, one of the dudes on my right mentions something about “to the left” and the lady in the stall breaks into a quick “to the left, to the left” so i promptly follow-up with “everything you own in a box to the left” and pretty soon we’re all belting out a rousing bathroom version of beyonce’s “irreplaceable.” AMAZING!!!!

after that very exciting bathroom experience i went back to fallon and we enjoyed the amazing DRAGONETTE! IT. WAS. EPIC!!!! dragonette are just f*cking killer live. they’re amazing. like all their songs are amazing and somehow become even more amazing live. everything about dragonette is perfection. it was an incredible night which was followed by a few more drinks, a bit of amelie and an episode and a half of destroyed in seconds back in the upstairs neighbours’ apartment. seriously, a near perfect day.

grand.

a few more disparate thoughts

1. my roommate fallon washes and saves any and all plastic food containers leading to our cupboard being full of cream cheese tubs and safeway deli containers. i find this very endearing and it also somehow makes me feel like less of an old man for watching wheel of fortune and jeopardy almost every day. (i LOVE jeopardy)

2. i was at work today and, like yesterday, it was extremely slow so my co-worker cheryl and i were playing hangman. we have been waging a bit of a hangman war that started last night and continued to stalemate today as we’ve each lost only one round (me: vatican city, her: indira ghandi). alas, all of the preceding information is somewhat inconsequential to the pay-off in this story except that it was revealed via a gripping game of hangman. it is that cheryl thought stone henge was in fact called “stone hedge.” AMAZING! this instantly reminded me of the time that salloum thought that a “blimp” was the same thing as a “blip” or the 22 years of my life during which i thought that a “moot” point was a “mute” point. the latter was – rather gleefully, it has to said – pointed out to me by dan who took an immense amount of pleasure in constantly reminding me of it for months, if not years, afterwards.

3. in response to yesterday’s post mentioning skype dan rather excitedly pointed out his superior technogical ingenuity in the comments section.

SIDENOTE: my blog has clearly shone a light on a rather worrying and obviously deep-rooted nasty streak within mr. hale who has presumably been burying it for years under his insufferable, and endlessly earnest, niceness.

anyway, this reminded me of a time when dan thought having a wireless card in his laptop meant that he could just get onto the internet for free anywhere in the world at any time. i actually felt rather bad that i had to burst his bubble on that one. DAN HAS SEEN THE FUTURE AND IT IS THE INTERNET EVERYWHERE!

a few disparate thoughts

i’m going to go ahead and do this in ever-popular list form.

1. i was at lunch the other day with my friend eli – at the templeton on granville which, incidentally, was amazing – when we were reminiscing about the big onion: the city of champions that is edmonton. now, to be clear, i rather love edmonton and, particularly, its people, many of whom i consider among my best of friends. i remember last year that the city was looking for a new slogan as “city of champions” lost its ring sometime in the early-90s and clearly needs to be retired. anyway, somewhat obviously from the above picture, we settled on “the hangover city.”

in fairness, it sounds a lot more derisive now that i’m putting it in writing when it was not necessarily intended to be pejorative. there is just something about edmonton and it’s fabulous summers followed by months of winter cold that seems to fit this nomer. i do think it would at least generate some interest in the city and is at least five thirds better than calgary’s “heart of the new west” slogan, which being blunt is crap. TRUTH!

2. catch phrase (the game) is on sale at toys r us this week for 25 bucks and i recommend that everyone go and purchase it. it is amazing. basically words come up on the embedded screen and you have to get your team to guess the word without saying it. it is incredibly simple but equally fun and i’ve never played a bad round of catch phrase. part of it’s charm has to be that the whole thing is one hand-held electronic device so there’s no pieces to lose and it’s super easy to break out.

one night we played catch phrase and jo-ann had to make ryan say “the unsinkable molly brown” so she said “the fat woman from the titanic” to which ryan replied “kate winslet.” GOLD! during another game of catch phrase – which i did not actually witness first hand but am now going to shamelessly re-tell as though i did – the word was “baby” so someone said “what ramona and josh would have if she were pregnant” to which emanual blurted out “an abortion.” THIS GAME IS LIKE AN AMAZING MOMENT MACHINE LITERALLY TURNING DRY EVENINGS WITH CRUSTY CANAPES INTO THE STUFF OF LEGEND! seriously, 25 dollars. BUY IT!

3. the dragonette album is amazing. AMAZING! i will probably write more about this later but i just wanted to note it now.

4. i have just discovered the amazing-ness of skype. HOW DID I NOT ABOUT THIS? it’s free, easy and amazing. how is it free? amazing.

5. there is a commercial on right now trying to encourage people to see an optometrist and one woman says she has poor night vision and her optometrist figured out that she actually has cataracts despite being young. somewhat obviously i’m now worried that i have cataracts. DAMN YOU TELEVISION!

i am not impressed

(click to enlarge)

so in case you hadn’t already guessed from the wonderful image above, this post is about roman polanski and why anyone thinks he doesn’t deserve to be extradited back to the US for his statutory rape charge from the 1970s. seriously. he drugged a 13 year old girl and had his way with her. when charged he fled the country and has since evaded authorities until recently when he stepped into switzerland who reprimanded him for american authorities. now, there is speculation that switzerland only got involved to curry favour with US authorities because they’re reticent to open up their secretive banking system but being honest that is neither here nor there in my thinking.

i really just can’t see any reason that people could have for not wanting this man to face justice. i get that he’s a fantastic film-maker but that is in no way related to what he did. he slipped it into a 13 year old girl after loosening her up with champagne and quaaludes and he should be judged for his crime regardless of his talent or fame. let’s not pretend that if anyone else had forced themself onto a minor people would be anywhere near as lenient. PLEASE! there would be outrage and without the means to evade authorities for so long i’m sure a similar individual would by now have done a nickel in the joint for their crime.

in conclusion i think it’s totally ridiculous that anyone is defending this case. roman polanki should have done his time back in the 70s but he chose to evade authorities despite committing a serious crime and he should very much still be held accountable when within the reach of US authorities.

and finally, STEP OFF celebrities defending roman polanski. (i’m looking at you whoopi et al.)